standing so close, knowing that it kills me

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 05:03:54 GMT

i know i know.
but i have no friends on this journal:

11250six

wordasaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

seems like yesterday

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 02:37:09 GMT

we had the world our way.
but some say we're headed for destruction.
i'll ask you:
what in the world should we do?

i got coal for christmas.
and that's about it.
thank you.

i think someone asked me to be his girl last night
i don't remember what i said.
and i lost my phone.
so now i can't call him.
shit.

baby, take your time.

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 05:10:26 GMT

baby, take your time.
stop and see whats around you.
like me.

nobody wants me.
whether i lie, or whether i'm completely honest.
i wanna rip my heart and brain out.
who the fuck am i.

be here now.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 00:49:38 GMT

i hung out with christopher martin today.
again.
i'd like to say that i have a lot of fun with him.
he makes me smile like MAD.
he picked me up and we went walking downtown,
went to the mall. went BACK downtown.
drove through blasting his bands music
singing as loud as he could in a country voice.
yelling, "I FUCKEN OWN YOU BAYBAAAYYYY."
maybe that's just entertaining to me
but after, we went to eat and then he came over
and we watched a beautiful mind.
"i just like being close with you."

that's what he says. and he would never hurt me.
when i'm with him, i don't want him to leave.
but he's going on tour sometime soon ...
i'll see him maybe two months out of the year.
suuuuucky.

rachel's kinda waking up.
kinda
and i'm hella scared.

i heard her laughter.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 00:39:34 GMT

because of this accident.
i've lost everything.
everything that i've worked so hard for.
i think about it every night.
i think, "i would've been banned from her funeral,
cause i can't even fucking see her in the hospital"
i have nightmares all night and day.
i see her face, i hear her voice.
i have flashbacks and memories flood my head.
i can hardly go to school cause i can't concentrate.

i dreamt about her last night. she was home, and called from a number i didn't recognize. but her voice. i recognized that. and she was so happy. she was busy but she just wanted to call and say hi. and i couldn't believe she was calling. i said, "so ... you're out of the hospital? and you're okay?" and she said "yeah i'm just soooo busy. haha" and i thought, i could imagine. and i woke up crying.

i dreamt that i hit something again, and i went off the road through a gaurdrail ... into a lake. and i just stayed in the car. and i thought, this is it. i can't believe i just got in another car accident. i'm going to drown myself. there is no way i can move on after this.

but i'm meant to be here,
and that's the fucking hell i live with.
the lines i wear around my wrist -
they're proof that i exist.
i've lost my friends.
my boyfriend.
my family
and most importantly, my mind.

but i'm just glad she can't feel a thing.

my angel, rachel.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 00:39:04 GMT

well. just got back from that prayer thing. i was so emotional, i couldn't talk. so this is what i wanted to say.

holding rachel's tiny body there in my arms, the thought of her dead never even crossed my mind. rachel is way too beautiful to die. i couldn't cry, cause it felt like a dream. i was hysterical and i was running to the end of the street with the operator on the phone ... trying to find the name of the street. when the EMT's put her in the ambulance, i tried to look at her, and they wouldn't let me. and i thought, it doesn't look good ... they're trying to protect me.

but rachel is my angel. she's my protector. she would take a bullet for anyone. and ... not being able to speak tonight in front of all those people is just ... i've never been speechless. i've never gotten that choked up. and the whole time i was just thinking to myself, if rachel was here ... she'd look me in the eyes, and say ... just do it. it's so easy. that's what she'd done that night. i wanted to talk to a guy cause i'd seen him before, but i didn't wanna look like a stupid dumb kid. so she walked up to him, and said ... "see her? yeah that's my friend karys, she thinks you're REALLY cute. and wants to know if you have a girlfriend" and i was so embarrassed. and no one can embarrass me. so i laughed. and i love her for that. because when i didn't have the strength, she gave it to me. and now that i need her the most, when i need to see her beautiful smile and her bright green eyes light up, i can't. and no matter what the situation, i wanna be like rachel. when she's quiet, i'm quiet. my dad told me in the car ride home, "when you're silent only God hears you" and that's enough for me.

so i keep god close to my side. and as for rachel, she's my best side. there's more to this, she'll make it out. she will live to tell. and it'll just be another chapter in her little story book. i love her so much, and i thank every one of you who came out tonight. and thank you for putting your arms around me ... i needed it. it was the first time i'd been out of the house in a week, with the exception of work. i don't ever stop thinking about her. i know none of us do. but i'm okay with having her on my mind, and i know all of you are too. because i cannot think of a single person who doesn't absolutely adore rachel. even people who hadn't met her were there tonight. and that's gotta mean something.

i love me some RAD.

M3

in time we'll sort this out

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 00:38:06 GMT

just ...
assume the worst.

in spite of you.

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 06:02:28 GMT

i'm at deep creek right now.
as you can see it's 2AM ... and i'm still not asleep.
it's freezing cold down here, and it's making me mad cause all i brought were tank tops. GARRR.

i'm going to see anthony in VA on sunday to stay the night with him before i leave tuesday ... we've chatted. i can categorically say that i could pretend to believe him, and never get attached. i didn't get attached before, and i still won't. i could never trust him, but he's fun to hang out with. i could never trust him

as for jordan ... he's coming to visit us at the house in deep creek tomorrow. he was supposed to stay the whole day and night and follow us home tomorrow. but his friends decided that they were gonna go camping again. [they had made plans prior and then cancelled. now the trip is back on]

wait, who gives a shit. no one's even reading this.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 17:54:08 GMT

i'm going to new york on saturday.
thomas is coming to stay with me on thursday night.
i duna, i guess i hate guys as of right now.

i'm leaving for california in 8 days. i don't really plan on coming back.

if you can't sleep alone, i'm better off.

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 23:56:37 GMT

there's always a point in my relationships with people, where i find out everything about them that bothers me. the habits become more abundant ... and my feelings for that person are gone almost instantly. i can honestly say that i probably have only liked a handful of people, and the rest were lust.
i was driving back with him today from his apartment in virginia ... it's a two and a half hour drive ... most of the time was spent with my head cocked to the right and pointed upwards dumbfounded and mostly angry. the clouds were intense, and touched the tips of the mountains, or ... the ... "endless caverns" nothing but tree's grass and sky on that ride.
i was mad at myself for investing all this time and money into him, thinking about him constantly ... whenever i don't go out i sit at home at the computer and stare at my buddy list and everytime his status changes i jump ... just to find everything that's wrong with him and stop talking to him. but then i thought, i don't think it'll be that way this time ... i think he'll find everything that's wrong with me first, and stop liking me. who knows, it could've already happened. who the fuck knows what that tone of voice means.
why don't you just tell her you don't wanna talk to her because there was another girl lying in your bed under your arm next to you?
this is such a dumb situation to be in, but i put myself in them cause it's fun ... or painful. or something, i feel something.

i got a text from you last night at 1AM, while i was lying next to him. at 4, i finally decided to get up, just curious to see what it said. it said, "i was just making sure you were okay." now, answer me this ... why wouldn't i be okay? you're the only person in the entire world who can make me feel completely worthless, and you're out of my life. i'm pretty sure the only reason why you send me those random texts is because you know i've stopped thinking of you, and you want to keep me close and you on my mind. and it's so sad that it actually works, because what you do is the equivalent to actually beating me. i cannot hate you, and i have no idea why ... you live 3000 miles away. i'll be there in 15 days, maybe we could get some coffee or go to poppy ... or i can hang myself.

i'd take it all back to start over again.
and i'll stay here.
you'll be gone for another year.
and i'm beside myself now that you have gone.

gosh.

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 17:37:01 GMT

so last night was okay.
i've been drinking a lot more than ever.
but it's okay. i quit smoking - and then started again.

Taylor and i are hanging out soon,
and jessie, nick, mark and i are going to ocean city this saturday through sunday night/early monday morning.

my baby kisses like a heartattack, just like that.

el verano.

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 16:56:29 GMT

this past week has had its ups and downs.
i feel like i'm in the twilight zone, people around me are trying to kill themselves.

yesterday consisted of an adventure to the wal-mart parking lot to take this gun away from so-and-so ... and then hung out with him all day. i think i scared the shit out of him and he made a promise to me.

saving lives one at a time.

i started drinking more. now that i don't have all that baggage to carry around. i can have fun. and although this past weekend, three near-death occurrences have happened, i'm happy ... and i'm having fun. this is my summer, it's my life. i have yet to quit smoking. but i will. it's disgusting.

he took me to lunch, and told me to order whatever i wanted.
he made me get a milkshake ...
it seems like nothing, sure. but little things matter to me
and i don't think i've ever had a boyfriend who's paid for all my shit.

tomorrow's the fourth of july, and we're all going to baker park to get crunk style. me, jessie, mark and nick. it's gonna be so fun.

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 00:36:31 GMT

i feel like i've been lied to ... for two years.

two whole years, one straight lie.
you're nothing like the person you say you are.
you said you had sex with her, she said you've never even met.
i believe the word she used was, "trippy."
it's sad when a person i just met has more trust than the one person i confided in for two years.

i met a boy named nick.
i hope he's something special.
we're hanging out on thursday.
and goes to college in DC
i miss anthony
i hate kasey.

i'm never alone when i'm by myself.
i'm always alone when i'm with you.

the only time i ever update this goddamn thing is to rant about kyle. this has to change. i'm meeting people from california so when i go up for the summer i have something to do ... some people to hang out with. i miss christian amlu lopez. i hate the fact that he moved ... growing up with him across the street from my grama was so amazing. he's a really really really good friend.

i should hang up some of my art work.
i take no pride in any of it.

human nature

Thu, 25 May 2006 21:24:18 GMT

we used to be so close
and we put up with so much

i could never divorce you
without a good reason.
but for now i need you.

i guess if we could end it for real this time.
things would actually start moving forward for me.
i could get on with my life.
wake up - and actually want to do something,
or have ambition to go somewhere. i haven't gone shopping in months.
i know if we actually talked, face to face ...
all of this would get settled. we could keep our promises
and hold eachother tighter than ever.

lord.

we'll sew these eyes, you'll peel them back.
we'll frame these words. "oh dear, i just need some time."
you've earned the right to know
why i need this time away.
you need to feel right.
fool yourself, surprise your friends.
raise a toast to everything we once had.
and i'm still afraid to be alone.
you found me out.
and i need this time to breathe.
if you give me space,
i'll give you me.
in time we'll sort this out.

Wed, 24 May 2006 01:16:33 GMT

LAPBASALDAJS.

Mon, 22 May 2006 01:39:04 GMT

timesx tennn: there was a point,
where i wouldn't even give them time to heal,
and just keep cutting over scabs,
and keep picking
and keep hurting.

i'll let this be the only way to let this go
miscounting the things that are out of place
they'll never find a home, you'll never find a home
with that lifeless body of yours.
take the time to re-arrange your emotions
cause this is when it matters the most.
and when you're exhausted, don't come to me.
because you've robbed me of everything.
not an excuse, just ... a stretch from the truth.
not the nights getting brighter, just the headlights shining.

HONESTLY.

edward t-town

Mon, 22 May 2006 01:30:28 GMT

i can't believe i drove four hours to see you.
my chest feels weird. like, really weird.

so you and i are done. again. for good probably. you broke up with me for virtually no reason at all. but i guess you could use that against me "see, you don't even know what you did wrong". i know what i did. don't tell me what i did. i asked if i could hang out with CODY after i told you i wouldn't ever ask you something like that. but it was only because he was leaving for college, and any other given day - it wouldn't have happened.

well, FUCK YOU. fuck you, fuck you. thank you.
that makes me, the only girl you were ever, "this in love with" and the only girl you haven't kissed. i think. that'd be cute. not. i have so much anger towards you right now. i wish you would just fall off the face of the earth. make it easier on me, i've found it rather difficult to kill myself. even though - with each attempt i get closer and closer.

i drove to the bridge that i was talking about.
i called you bawling my eyes out.
you talked me out of it.
i had the courage to thank you for saving my life,
and you returned it with something a little less
... what's the word. thoughtful?

YOU PROPOSED TO ME.
i had said, 'river alexander' - and you fell in love.
well, i never loved you.
how could i.
every scar on my body was the repercussion of you ...
things i went through over you,
and now place a reminder in my head.
i'll never forget you, true.

i might not ever be able to let it go, leave it alone.

AS FOR YOU MR. EDWARD T-TOWN.
there's always been someone.

school. summer. life.

Fri, 19 May 2006 00:37:54 GMT

LIFE.

well.
school's winding down for the year. i'm making plans for the summer. so far they consist of

- a week in alabama with my sister & her boyfriend
(quite possibly my boyfriend too.)
- fourth of july till mid august in california with family and boyfriend.
- hopefully some kind of road trip to washington state to visit maryska.
- visit college campuses (philly, pitt, san diego)

i'm just waiting for this year to be over. summer is gonna be amazing, i can't wait to stop looking at the faces i do every day. they all blend together. the ones that dress 'normally' look the same, and the ones that dress in all black with purple hair blend in with the floor. i never really stopped looking down at them.

i haven't talked to sean morrissey in who knows how long. so much for friendship. i thought bobby and i were a lot closer than we were. so much for friendship ((i'm a danger to myself, always blaming someone else))

there's a boys night out show in baltimore on the 23rd. (tuesday) i wanna go. we'll see if kyle's here by then. if not, i'm not going. he's scheduled to visit sometime this week. I KNOW.

my grad project is slowly slowly slowly coming along. i can't seem to be happy with my work. it's a photography portfolio. and i just wanna break that fucking enlarger in a million pieces. kyle's promised me a new camera. eek.

i made this public. i figured i'm not interesting enough to stalk.

a few things i need to get out:

Sun, 07 May 2006 00:30:59 GMT

kyle john hughes,
i can't trust you with my heart again. bottom line. maybe it's because i know you're coming to visit me soon ... and i'll fall more in love with you than i ever have been. which makes me more vulnerable than ever. and then the rest of the summer is ours. well, most of it. then it's over, and we're back to work. i'm back to school, and you're back to your drinking. i should get back to drinking ... after all - i like myself better drunk. i look prettier drunk.

fuck. i can't finish this here.

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 23:49:31 GMT

martin luther king is the man.

weeeell.

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 20:11:01 GMT

my life is such a ball that,
i run the world from city hall.

and i own you all.
:D

went to see morning for the masses last night
erin and oliver hit it off really well.
so i'm hoping that made up for last weekend, when she felt like such a third wheel.

BEN

terrorists.

hi.

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 03:35:30 GMT

i could never divorce you
without a good reason
it's good to have options
but for now i need you

why do i do that.
what the fuck.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 02:11:04 GMT

it's got to be strong, to touch my heart through it's shell.

so now what have we? is this it?
cheers to farewell, and a year spent cold.
was too in love to notice
what a fool i am, and still becoming.

i wear this well, i'm aware.
applaud as you like; beat your wrist twice

you better charm your way out.

why can't i be what you need.
so why don't you tell me it was too little, too late?

i guess i'm horrible for you.
if it's not too late for coffee, i'll be at your place in ten.
we'll hit that all night diner and then we'll see.

that's my AIM profile.
i guess it says a lot.
i miss him, but i have no idea what to do.
i could make a chart, ya ... that'd be a good idea.
fuck - these are hearts i'm dealing with
not fucking overlapping circles.

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 01:33:10 GMT

you put up with so much.

number 2.

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 21:21:05 GMT

and i could never, ever.
express how i feel about you.

but this is my horrible attempt:
most people don't realize what they have until it's gone. well we're not most people. together we are both the most choleric, obstinate people. and coincidentally the single most euphoriant pair, ever. and when i feel like i can't wear my cape anymore, you double knot it and go out of your way to make sure it stays there. it's nights like these when we're on the phone, and following most everything i say is your laugh and the words, "you're so fucking cute, i fucking adore you." ... i love you. it's simple.

when you're left with only a bullet,
i'll bring the trigger and a promise to pull it.
i'll be the end of everyone who's ever entered your life
and taken peices out of it
i'll give you enough time to regain yor composure...
to reconstruct a heart that's torn apart from over-exposure
i know forever isn't long enough to forget the faces and places
that played out your tragedy

our memory defeats us all
i've touched this stagnant water and muddy walls of the trench
where you've been sleeping
and there's nothing there worth keeping or beleiving
so on the eve of the attack
we'll finger-trace the targets
on their backs and open fire,
[just hold on until they're gone]
so with this kiss i promise to
never forget what you did for me
[I felt the sun on my face for the first time
and tasted blood on my tongue for the last]

and♥
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